the next phase of life,
About me

Name:Mariam aka MJL
About you: Life is a journey and full of experiences awaiting for the soul to submerge and eventually triumph over obstacles.



|Xia Yan

May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
December 2005
January 2006
March 2006
May 2006
September 2006
January 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
February 2008
March 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008


Sunday, August 31, 2008

( I am looking forward for you )

I went for training last Monday and Tuesday with regard to death and dying and finding meanings in life. I must say that the training is very useful that it makes me question about death and dying and what is my presence in this world?

To many, death is a morbid and even a taboo to talk about. For me, I talked about it everyday and it seems very therapeutic for me somehow when people express their fears of the ambivalence and saying good bye to people we love. When we talked about death, we are scared that we will leave many things unattended and many told me that “I want no regrets when I die” or “I want them to be happy so I can find peace”.

Dealing with these issues, can be very emotional when we have a lot of things to say but never say it aloud to that person. Very seldom in our culture, we say ‘I love you’ or ‘I seek your forgiveness’ or ‘I forgive you’. To us, death is such a distant away like a stranger that we don’t wish to know but come on it will happen one day. Anyway, it does not hurt to think about it. At least you know that with life there is death and with death there is separation.

So the next question is how we deal with separation forever. When it comes to death, the separation is not about one day, or one month, it is forever goodbye my love. Can anyone handle that? Many of us, after the death of someone we love, we still grieve deep in our heart and although that someone has passed away for decades, the memories is still there. Can we throw such memories? Impossible I would say. Many don’t wish to say about the death of their loved ones, as it is very painful and very difficult to talk about. The pain and agony is there, but most cover it with pretension, deceit and façade to live this life because many will definitely want the grieved person to be strong. If that is what they want, most of the bereaved members covered it up very nicely not to fall out from that expectation of not capable to deal with death.

I look forward to my death and every day I know I am near to death and one day I have to face it. I am scared and I am not sure how death will come and find me. Is it through sickness? Accident? Sleep? How? I don’t know. But what I know is that, I want people to forgive me for what I may or may not do for them. Forgiveness is exceptionally important to me. I must forgive and seek forgiveness. Next, if I have daughters in the future, I want them to bathe me or even my niece, my two sisters to bathe me. If I were to die before my parents, I want them to have a small feast for me on my birthday. If I were to get married and die before my husband, I want him to marry another one and be happy with his life. If I were to have children and I die when they are young, I will keep tapes of myself for them. I want them to know their mother, her hopes and dreams for them, her weakness and her wisdom that can be shared with them. I want them to know they have a mother although I am not physically there to raise them.



Vast as a desert that was your name
Clear as a sky that was how you feel
A moment of sadness is what remains
You were young when you say goodbye
Give us strength to see you go
Calm our hearts and let the tears fall

A month will pass and soon a decade too
Your love and generosity will forever etched
It is hard to see you shut your eyes
Right before us, you take your last breathe
I left my moment of present thinking about how that happen?
I thought you will be fine, ain’t that what we all hope for?

Your body was cold, your eyes wide shut
The tubes were many there but did it help?
You let them use the machine to bring you back
I saw you gasping for air and I say ‘God, please end her agony!’
When the expert said all hope is lost, that is not true.
Your hope was not lost but it goes with you

The earth is still damp by what happened
You left your loved, making him cry for the first time
Kneeling down begging you to see him
You love him and have said enough and
Your spirit of love will forever remains

I want to say I love you but I never did when you were here
Is it too late?


8:09 PM

Friday, August 22, 2008

( He is just not that into you! )

Lia came to Singapore and we decide to just hang out at the east side. We ate at Arnolds in Pasir Ris and she mentioned that the chicken was fantastic, well all to my credits of course. But my intention of writing for now is not about Lia, but about a book she let me read, He’s just not that into you by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo. This is a must read book for those that belong to this category,
1) single and finding the right one after decades of waiting
2) just broke up and finding the answers why he broke with me
3) seeking an answer how come it is difficult for some people to commit
4) waiting and thinking one day he/ she will change and accept you as who you re
5) thinking that it's ok to be in love with someone who is full of reasons why he cant be with you
6) it is good enough that he wants me rather than I am left alone on the shelf
7) Did I intimidate him? That’s why he did not ask me out
8) I want to love but it is ok if he does not reciprocate.
9) He promise to call/message but only do so once/twice in a week, giving reason, I am busy

Well for those that know me should know that I have a huge problem with all that. People always said that I am not going into the deep sea and all and I belong to those categories thus I am reading that book to get an enlightenment. One thing I learn is that it is ok if a man is not into you, move on and start to fish for more. Continue doing so because you will find one that loves you and vice versa. I must admit it is not easy but it is better to stick with someone who always make you feel insecure, unhappy, worry about your weight, he said you are fat, short, or too skinny or perhaps he said I still missed my ex, I am scared to commit, my mum don’t like you and blab bla bla. You may kick his ass and move out from that door away from his pathetic life. One thing that Greg taught in that book is that when a man is into a woman, he is not looking into any of that and if he feels that you are the one, and then you are the one. But of course for women, if he likes you and if you don’t, it is better to kick the bucket early than to wait long, trouble looms for those that keep on waiting.

Many women that I know always said “I have been with him for 2 years, how could he said he cannot commit, but he is so sweet to me”

Ladies, great that you are wasting your 2 years life and not 2 decades. A sweet guy that makes you baloney, is that sweet? He is not into you. A guy that is into you has no problems to commit, because he likes you and is into you. Listen guys like to chase girls, like to say sweet words and like to be with you if he is into you. The harder it is to get you, the more rewarding he will feel when he finally gets you! A guy that said I cannot commit is the same statement to I am just not into you!

Whatever reason a guy give, his mother just passed away, his wife left him or he has no job so he cannot commit, those are excuses. A guy that is into a woman will never let that woman wait because man is inpatient and persistent. A man that is into you will always be the first to ask you out, be the first to call you and if his mother hates you, he does not really care because he has you. Why? Because women are pretty gorgeous creatures that deserve to sit and be pampered!

Greg also mentioned that when a man is into a woman, he will do anything to please the woman! However if he is not into a woman, he becomes a complex and perplex creatures with all those excuses. Men are simple creature and like women, they want a companion! Maybe you are just not the one for him.
Move on gals, many men are waiting to date you and why let one man makes you suffer?

I have been there a dozen times and most men like to disappear into thin air, giving me excuses and saying blab la bla. A man that is into you has no qualms about who you are or what you want.

Remember gals, we are pretty, gorgeous and sensitive creatures that deserve a man that can love us! Those that can’t don’t waste your time on him!

8:48 PM

Saturday, August 02, 2008

( life thus far )

Work has been exciting for me and I love every moment of it by doing more work. A little update, I got my pay, got my name card and has some spending power. Unfortunately, I have not been able to spend much as I am tied down by some personal issues

My beloved aunt, uncle and a distant grandma was hospitalized and two are in critical condition in SICU. I am disturbed by their condition. Two are in coma and doctors have asked whether we want full resuscitation if their heart beat stop to function. As their niece, I do hope that they can pull through. I cannot believe that their condition deteriorate to such an extent within a short span of time. I have just lost my grandpa and I am not ready to grieve again. My aunt is my mum’s only eldest sister and I can feel that fear and uncertainties like losing my very own sister.

At this time is it right to be cynical?
Is the time for darkness is nearing?
You keep me hanging, I am still persevering
You let me loose, I still hold on to you

I believe in you from the moment you name me yours
I carry your name to make it known
What they say is right, “we are poor in health”
“Their family life is short” they say

We still continue as we have faith in you
But if you are leaving bring me along and
Close all the doors behind and shut our senses
Out from this illusion space

Girl in an urban jungle

10:59 PM